Mother-In-Law Issues & What to do about them.....

How do you recover after a major blow-up with your Mother-In-Law? Or How can you try and deal with the crazy that she is?

Vent. Talk to you girlfriends, not your husband. Your girlfriends will let you get it off your chest. Dr. Phil says ‘If you haven’t talked to your in-law about what’s bothering you, then you don’t have the right to be complaining about the problem to others.” While we totally intellectually “get” that, we aren’t all strong enough to confront our Mother-In-Law. You have to get it off your chest, so go ahead and vent.If you have sister in laws like I do, talk with them, chances are they are going through the same EXACT thing... I tried to get it off my chest with my mother in law and nothing has changed. If anything, I think that it made things better for a while, then right back down the crap shoot. In all honesty I think she just tolerates me. I have tried and still am trying to do what I ave been taught to do which is to turn the other cheek and to always respond with warmth and kindness.

Stop complaining about your Mother-In-Law to your husband. I know it’s hard. This does’t mean don’t have constructive conversations with hubby about setting boundaries. Just stop complaining. Remember, no man likes to come home to a complaining wife. As a bonus, the less you complain about your Mother-in-Law, the more likely he is to complain about her! But when he does, resist the temptation to join in the fun!!!! Listen to his complaints, but don’t add to them. It can be extremely gratifying to hear him complain about her! This is more than true. Then at some point and time, everything you have been talking about he will come to understand and you can finally, Finally say "I told you so..but you thought I was crazy"... One thing we have as women is to know how to read another woman. It is a GIFT!

Do NOT email your Mother-In-Law! In fact, do not create a written record that you will later regret after you’ve calmed down. Even if you receive an aggravating email from your Mother-In-Law or others, send only the briefest, most courteous reply. You cannot take back the written word. It will only come back to haunt you!

Don’t involve the children. Shield your kids from any arguments with your spouse or in-laws. Even if you can’t stand your Mother-In-Law, you should do everything in your power to preserve a positive relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents. Don’t speak ill of your Mother-in-Law in front of your children—you know it’s the wrong thing to do.

Examine your role in the feud as objectively as you can. Did you act immaturely? Did you say something you know was out of line? Did you break a promise? Do you give her the same amount of time with her grandchildren as you allow your mother? What about your behaviour embarrasses you?

Did you give her a chance? No. Really. Many Daughters-In-Law get themselves worked up and defensive before a Mother-in-Law visit. We play out scenarios in our minds, predicting disaster, and this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. She can do no right. If she insists on cooking dinner you view her as controlling and insulting your cooking. If she does’t offer to cook you see her as a lazy, imposing, ungrateful house guest. If you continuously predict negative outcomes, that is what you will get.Trust me. Even If I don't think negatively, something will still happen, Now I have learned how to roll with the punches. Whatever happens....happens.

***Have some empathy for your husband. This grudge match could be causing your husband a great deal of stress that he is not verbalizing– it’s not easy being in the middle of two women he loves. Put yourself in his shoes. Have some sympathy for the fact that he is in a lose-lose situation. If he pleases one of you, the other is certain to be mad at him. Accept the fact that however horrible your Mother-in-Law is, your husband needs to have a positive relationship with his mother.*****

Try to put yourself in your Mother-In-Law’s shoes. Even if you really, really don’t want to. Recognize that your she loves your husband. This may be the only thing you have in common with her! Can you pinpoint the root cause of her behaviour? It must be difficult for her, a seasoned wife and mother, to see you -- an inexperienced wife and mother -- doing things that don’t look right to her. Don’t you think it could be hard not to say anything if you see someone doing things you know to be wrong, be it cooking or child rearing? It is especially hard when the mother in law is selfish, and you have tried many times to help her out and it is continually rejected and pooped on. Try the exercise anyways.

Try this exercise: before speaking to your Mother-In-Law, imagine she is your own mother. Speak and react to her with the same level of respect and consideration that you would give to your own mother. Does it feel artificial? Is it difficult? Perhaps you will realize that you aren’t as nice to her as you could be.OR perhaps she is truly impossible!!!!- I have tried this and it does not work. I still continue to try the only difference is she cant handle what she dishes out, where as my mom can handle it. I admit i do not always have the right tone, but at least I try to communicate. Its something right?

Also, decide if you would rather be right or be happy. Would you rather win every argument, or would you rather have a peaceful home life with your husband and kids? Imagine your future if this feud is unresolved. What will it do to your family? Your holidays? How would you feel if your Mother-In-Law was hit by a bus tomorrow? Would you feel guilty that you didn’t try harder to make it work? I would feel horrible if something ever happened to my mother in law. I would be sad because there was not more time to try and smooth things out, on the flip side religiously speaking I think she would being for a total shock and realize that we weren't crazy, she would be in for a nice surprise. I would then look forward to reuniting with her in that form, cause then I know that I would have my husbands family for eternity too, not just this earth life.

I think that is what makes it so hard, Is that we have the keys and the knowledge to give and to share with them. About the wonderful truth of the Gospel.If they could only accept it here, they would see how much better their lives would be in regards to handling challenges that are CONSTANTLY facing our family, and being able to better deal with situations from their pasts. If only they could get the worldly thoughts out of their head. * This is a whole other topic*-I will write on that more. My head is always going...anyhow back to the subject at hand....

Work with your husband to develop an action plan. Don’t let her be the downfall of your relationship. If you are lucky, your husband is supportive, and on your side, if not see Mama's Boys.It's OK to be a Mama's Boy as long as you can still see her for when she does do something wrong and inappropriate. Either way, sit down and talk with him. Tell him he is your #1 priority -- not the feud with your Mother-in-Law. Men (who are from Mars) like to talk about solving problems rationally.

They don’t like to be emotional and empathize about a problem as women do. He is not going to say, “yes honey, she is a total whack job and you are 100% right, I’m sorry it has been so hard on you.” Ask him to brainstorm with you how to improve the relationship, such as setting new boundaries for his mother. Agree to a concrete action plan and start enacting it. You will both feel better. Good luck!

Mind you all of these things are still even a work in progress for me. We have other issues such as different religious beliefs. She thinks I and my husband are crazy and is mad at me, for HIM choosing to become part of my faith and not hers. On top of other things like..Well I am not going to say because Oh my GOSH! I could go on and on. I won't though. I may at a later date and time. I save everything for my journal writing, but I do not get to write in my journal as much as I would like, so I am going to use my blog as my journal writing, I know I feel so much better when I can write it all down. Well I am glad I could get some of this out.

Until later.....